Yep, US politics has now officially gone down the rabbit hole completely.
Oh sure, it’s been weird as hell for years now, and politics is always weird anyway, here or anywhere else. And OK, we’re talking the annual CPAC hate festival and red meat carnival. But christ on a crutch, look at this, which I present as a verbatim news article;
Duck Dynasty television star Phil Robertson told the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) on Friday that 110 million Americans were infected with sexually transmitted diseases and that it was “the revenge of the hippies.”
After accepting the Andrew Breitbart Defender of the First Amendment Award, Robertson stepped up to the CPAC podium and pulled out a Bible that appeared to be held together with duct tape.
“In case one of you gets to be president of the United States, make sure you carry your Bible and your woman,” the reality star advised. “I’m just saying, safety. Safety.”
I swear, there’s guys in the editorial offices of The Onion tearing their hair out now. How the fuck can a satirical operation possibly top that?
“A Bible that appeared to be held together with duct tape.”
Heh. That’s fucking brilliant.
“The Andrew Breitbart Defender of the First Amendment Award…”
Oh right. Breitbart. The internet home of racist knuckle-draggers from coast to coast.
Oh hell yeah, it goes on;
“I don’t want you to die early!” he exclaimed. “It you’re disease free and she’s disease free, you’re married, you keep your sex right there, you won’t get sick from a sexually transmitted disease! Come on!”
“There is a penalty to be paid from what the beatniks and it morphed into the hippies!” the Duck Commander continued. “What do you call the 110 million people who have sexually transmitted illnesses? It’s the revenge of the hippies! Sex, drugs and rock & roll have come back to haunt us! In a bad way!”
Robertson said that he had done additional research on the CDC website and found out that only one encounter was necessary to contract a sexually transmitted illness.
“How many seconds does it take to get genital herpes?” he asked the CPAC audience. “It said 30 seconds. I’m like, whoa, that’s pretty quick.”
“You want a godly, biblical, medically safe option? One man, one woman, married for life.”
“The Duck Commander continued…”
Keep in mind this festival of fuckwittery is the annual gathering of those whose approval, or at least absence of hostile opposition, is the first step for anyone wishing to snag the GOP nomination.
OK, here it is. Come on, you know you want to watch it!